Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
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My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.