I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
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Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.