The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
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A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in