Lil Brain – Out of Leads
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wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it