I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
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Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
What’s this sorcery? 😂
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Dear Lord..
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
*launders Kohls cash*
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.