if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
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Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Self-cleaning conscience
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.