I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
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Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero