[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
You Might Also Like
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Thursday
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet