Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
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Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck