So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
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“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.