My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
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Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
those birds must be on payroll
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.