[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
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Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”