Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
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Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
I unironically love this joke.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.