How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
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As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.