Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
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Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Hey i am sexy to you now
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Just parrot things