My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
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The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Lmao
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Previously On Persistence 😎
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.