doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
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once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.