Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
You Might Also Like
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.