Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
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Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
That’s no pocket rocket.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.