My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
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Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?