Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
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“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
My neck, my back, my…
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
How about daylight saves us for once
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.