Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
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[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”