My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
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*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
He a real one for that
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Otters see a butterfly.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…