The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
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If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.