WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
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a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Customize Your Wedding.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.