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Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.