“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
You Might Also Like
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit