Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
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somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.