{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
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My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
B
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Meow
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*