dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
You Might Also Like
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
figuring out my emotional availability:
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault