Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
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Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?