the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
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Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.