random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
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Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
But wait…
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Look at this
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.