Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
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[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.