At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
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tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
this came to me in a vision
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.