My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
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Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered