I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
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I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.