[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
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I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
I just stopped by to water my horse.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards