I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
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Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Brilliant!
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Seems kinda suspicious
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.