Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
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[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Some people were born into their job.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Close call…
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!