You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
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Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.