Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
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The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.