Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
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[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Haha good job!!
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??