Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
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Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.