Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
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Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.