Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
You Might Also Like
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
operators are standing by to ignore your call
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Whoa 😂
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
The USS B port
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……