Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
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Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.