Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
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[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Saturday
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
My work here is don’t.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”