Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
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When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?