A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
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*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?